dilemma

finally back to work only to discover the humongous pile on my table and the next to impossible deadline.

i'm completely shocked and appalled with the unprofessionalism of it all. at the beginning of my contract the point of contention was whether i could commit myself for a long period of time or not. and after dropping just about my entire social life, i have been, for the lack of a better phrase 'unceremoniously dumped.' undoubtedly there are factors beyond anybody's control, but to assume that i would drop everything to suit your timetable is just plain condesending.

i suppose its just one of the things that you spend sleepless nights thinking about but the issue will still be out of your control. i just hope that i have done my job and done it well. i have no regrets about my time spent here and i feel that its probably best to leave and not overstay my welcome. after all, i have to move on sooner or later. its easier to make a clean break now and to know that i left with my respect for myself and my colleagues still intact.

had a lot of time to think about what's important to me during the holidays and had more or less come to the decision that attachment is not for me at this point of my life. that of course was well before a sms broke my solitude resulting in a complete flood of emotions, from uncertainty to happiness.

God knows if my interpretations of his actions are the right ones but i can't help but feel that sense of comfort and security that comes with being with someone who already has settled down in life and knows who he is and what he wants. last night was an eye-opener into what the probable future would be if we did decide to take things further.

then of course theres the one that's young and full of all sorts of ideas. despite being in different places in life somehow or another we still end up in some sort of pseudo-relationship. i've always felt that i don't act my age and to be honest i enjoy that spark of sponteniety that he exhibits.

and so the age old debate of head versus heart continues...

but i have a feeling if made to choose, i know what decision i would make.